No Speak English By Jennifer Burke

My inability to string 2 words together or construct a legitimate sentence whilst talking to a woman I’m royally attracted to, appears to be my own personal built in contraceptive method… against the birth of all things venereal, & long term relationships maintained by repartee & intelligent discourse.

Fortunately for me, with oxytocin levels running high, occasionally they’re willing to forgive any conversational anomalies & look the other way while keeping their eye on the prize… & I use the term ‘prize’ quite loosely.

Adding alcohol to the equation might also buy me an extra 3 or 4 dates before they realise the colloquial missteps I once batted my eyelids through, aren’t as adorable as that hot news presenter’s grasp on articulation. Not to mention... a decent wardrobe.

Time for operation ‘buy more time & step up your game hashtag laugh at everything she says’... excluding but not limited to, any mention of the word funeral, suicide, or cancer. Juvenile diabetes however, is ok... except when followed by the word "charity", but neutral when preceded by a Teletubbies reference... in which case, insert witty retort here & laugh at own joke.

Good work Jen... I don't think she's noticed how incredibly boring you are except when you're doing that thing you do; the stand-up. With roughly 25 minutes of slightly above average material fit to entertain my twitter followers on a cruise ship sailing through Southbank... I'll need at least another 35,063.3 joke & gag hours to win over her parents, secure an engagement, & convince her there's way more pros than cons in bearing my children.

I hear you... It's easier said than done. But if my calculations are correct, it should only take another 4.8 lifetimes to hold down a girlfriend. Or reincarnate straight. #shit

in Brisbane, Queensland


Comic & Triple J RAW Comedy Grand Finalist. Talker @ 4ZZZ. Bachelor of film @ SAE. Writer. Improv. Muso. Danca? Kombuchaholic. Chronic pain fighter. Rep @ Howell Management #TaxTimeIsLava

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