Andy Thompson Subscribe Andy Thompson's Atom Feed


I tell jokes for cash, manly hugs and free drinks. I’ll tell you which way the water flows for free. Comedian, engineer, writer and husky man-about-town.

February 6, 2013
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Dean's Revenge

I was recently in the Northern New South Wales town of Murwillumbah. The town had recently suffered its largest flood in living memory and I was assisting with some flood insurance claims. It’s thirsty work. Not as hard as cleaning the thick mud from your house or workplace but sweaty work all the same.



Life, uh...Finds a Way.

I’ve done a bad thing. I’ve created a monster. Well, a flock of monsters.

I started feeding a pair of magpies a month ago. My wife wasn’t happy with it so I did it on the sly. She’d go to the shops and I’d run out with some cashew nuts and call them down with a whistle.



You Have the Right to Remain Terrified!

While driving to work this morning I saw a motorcycle cop, who was winding his way through a traffic jam on the freeway, yelling at people who were using their mobile phones. He didn't give them tickets, he just yelled at them. He’d ride up next to a car, shake his head at the driver and then gesture at them to wind the window down.



Some Science Teachers Just Want to Watch the World Burn.

If there’s one thing I enjoy it’s a flagrant disregard of safety by an authority figure. Nothing made me grin more as a child than seeing my father march down to the incinerator with a load of potentially flammable material and 4 litres of petrol on a Saturday afternoon.



Your Screaming is Making Me Nervous.

I haven’t met a person from Finland who wasn't a genuine, fear-inducing psychopath. When I finished school I worked in a remote gold mine in Western Australia’s Pilbara region. There I met a geologist who terrified all the other workers, especially when he was driving.



Don't Forget to Knock!

I’d be lying if I said that, as a kid, I didn’t take any joy in my sister’s misfortune. Sure, I chortled when a bee became tangled in her hair and she sprinted across the backyard howling while my father chased her in a vain attempt at bee removal, the screaming intensifying in a similar fashion to



Sometimes the Sweetest Things are the Most Dangerous

Don’t stick things into electrical sockets. Let sleeping dogs lie. Never anger pregnant women. These are 3 lessons I adhere to in life. Not observing one of them will result in a serious facial injury and a painful death. Dogs and electricity are also dangerous.



There's a Monster Inside All of Us

My family moved around a lot when I was a kid so I was often forced into making friends quickly. I became a bit of a target when I moved to New Mexico. Being a brash, pale Australian kid stands out in that environment. Soon enough, some tough kids started picking on me after school.



It's Not You, It's Me. And the Alpacas.

I hate confrontation. I’d rather tell a ridiculous lie than get into a verbal skirmish. As everyone knows, cancelling a gym contract can be a prolonged and exasperating battle. I went through this process several years ago. When I told the orange woman at the front counter of the gym my intentions



Sex-Ed on the Fly

The first comedy competition I entered was in a comedy festival in a sleepy little village in NSW 7 years ago. My wife and I had a baby boy and it was to be our first holiday. Our plan was to stay in a nice resort and I would amaze the locals with my witty wordplay and stage shenanigans.



Wait Until You See The Whites of Their Eyes...

“Move over. I need to rest my gun there” isn’t something I’d prepared myself to hear. I was inspecting a site near the town of Dululu and the farmer was having dingo problems. Specifically, dingoes eating his calves. As we bounced along in his modified 4WD golf-buggy contraption, I admired the ruthlessness of a farmer.



"10-4, Good Buddy. What did that mouth-breathing pilot say?"

While recently driving a 4WD with no radio reception and only the homoerotic chatter of truck drivers on the CB radio to entertain me, I was reminded of an intense moment of childhood terror. My parents bought me a pair of walkie-talkies when I turned 8.




I’ve always been fascinated by nudists. It isn’t the wobbly bits that intrigue me (yeah, okay, maybe a little) but the driving force behind the compulsion to walk around naked in public. The first time I ever encountered nudists was during a family holiday in Broome, Western Australia.



It's Raining Spiders!

There’s nothing worse than being sick while travelling. Sure, careening off a ravine in a poorly maintained and possibly flaming Columbian bus would suck but that feeling of helplessness when you're sick can be suffocating. When I was 21 I became so sick I thought I was going to die. Funnily enough, I was on a bus at the time.



Run! He's Behind You!

When I was a kid, Dad brought home an orphaned emu chick from work. We named him Eddie and he was a part of our family until Mum started to freak out about the feathered dinosaur living in our backyard whose curious beak was conveniently at the same height as my eyeballs.



Do You Want to See the Man With the Sourdough Legs?

I’ve always trusted doctors, including the ones who say “cut down on the drinking” and “would it kill you to go for a run every now and then?” I find people who distrust doctors troubled in the head. Sure you hear the odd horror story but, generally, doctors know their stuff.



Let Sleeping Koalas Lie

It’s widely known that Australian wildlife is dangerous. In actual fact, most native Australian animals spend more time plotting your demise than eating and procreating. I came upon this realisation as a child one dusty afternoon in the bush behind our house in Moranbah, Central Queensland.



It's a Broad Lic Nic!

I wanted to become a comedian when I first heard Bill Cosby. I felt the same when I was introduced to the Doug Anthony All Stars (D.A.A.S.) in the late ‘80s. We used to sit late at night at boarding school and listen to their album Icon while nibbling contraband biscuits, giggling furtively while reciting the lyrics, hoping we wouldn't get caught.



Tickets Please!

I'm not a huge fan of train travel. Sure, some people find the gentle lulling motion of the carriage to be soothing but I've always found the pervading odour of stale urine a tad off-putting. I also prefer to arrive at my destination within a suitable time-frame, not a week later looking and smelling like a hobo.



We Can Never Eat Here Again

I’ve got a confession to make. I once left a restaurant without paying. The guilt has been overwhelming since that fateful afternoon in 2007 and it’s time to get it off my chest.

Let me set the scene for you. My wife was pregnant and craved some steak.



No Means No, Little Dude!

My first pet was a bedraggled kitten that was being mistreated by a pair of vapid sisters living nearby. They never fed the little ginger rascal and one afternoon he appeared on my balcony during a thunderstorm. I fed him some chicken skin and that night he slept on my chest purring away like a small lawnmower.



Ding! Ding! DING!

It’s the law in Queensland to have a small bell attached to your bike. For the uninitiated, this bell is to be used to warn meandering pedestrians you’re hurtling towards them and that they should refrain from waving their arms like they’re performing Tai-Chi.



Don't Make Me Race You!

Any man who says he isn't competitive is lying and I'll wrestle him to prove the point. I've started cycling to work. There's no better evidence for this competitive streak than being in a group of men on bikes. It’s amazing how quickly a commute can turn into a vicious stage of the Tour de France.



You Say Tomato, I Say Hurry Up

I love embracing new technology. I was especially happy when self-service checkouts were introduced at my local supermarket. As much as I like communicating with the checkout servers as I admire their curved talons and vapid stares, I'm sure I can do my shopping in a more efficient manner.



The Crushing Pressure of the Socks

I think I've done a great job at being a parent. Well, except for that time I watched Jurassic Park with my son when he was 3 thinking I would be able to fast-forward through the people-eating scenes without him seeing them. Turns out I wasn't quick enough.



It's Just a Flesh Wound.

Last year, while doing rural flood damage inspections, I met one of the most Australian men in existence. His name was Rob and he was a farmer. Rob had finished work for the day and was relaxing on his deck in the afternoon sun. As we walked to his truck I asked him if he wanted to put on his boots.



I Didn't Mean to Stare. Honest.

I started going to the gym when I had my first child because the vision of a bloated hot sweaty mess that’s too unfit to get off the couch to play with his kids was becoming a stark reality. I enjoy the gym. It’s my time to focus and it gives me time to think.



Beware of the Bright Green Screeching Snipers

Australia has more than its fair share of deadly critters. We have poisonous snakes and spiders, man-eating crocodiles and even a cute little monotreme that will give you a nasty jab if you accidentally grab it. Why is it that our birds are absolute clowns? They're like the drunken hooligans of the animal kingdom.



Chin Music: A Cricketing Lesson

I love cricket. I truly do. One of my favourite memories is being 9 years old and waiting in anticipation for Dad to come home from work so we could play cricket. I would sit on the front steps, cricket bat placed across my skinny, pale thighs, hoping that the next coal-caked car that turned into our street would be my father.



The Trials and Tribulations of Being a Bus Politician

I've done something horrible. I've developed a rapport with the regular travellers on my bus to work in the morning. Some would say this isn't an issue but my ability to function as a normal member of society is somewhat diminished at that time of the day.



Hey! I'm Not a Tree!

I was quite a fearful child. While living in a small mining town in the middle of Queensland I spent a lot of time being terrified of goannas. Goannas are large, dog-sized lizards with sharp claws and a sauntering gait like a pugnacious gunslinger. My Dad told us that goannas were extremely vicious



Sometimes They Come Back

Growing up in a small town meant we had to make our own fun. Luckily there were numerous crazes such as marbles and Yo-yos that came and went each year. There once was even a short-lived boomerang craze. Some afternoons the local kids would all compare boomerangs and see who could get the most consistent throws.



No Gloating in the Pool, Please.

I’m taking my youngest child to his first swimming lesson on the weekend. I’m about as excited as one man can get when he knows he has to strip off at 8am and plunge into a tepid pool with his struggling spawn while other parents float about cooing at their own kids who've most likely laid a sloppy nard in their soaked swim-nappy.



Friendly fire! Man Down!

I like to think of myself as a good Dad. I'm moderately handy and my major skill of turning a sobbing child into a giggling monster quicker than you can say “sorry about throwing that ball into your face” comes in handy every day. However, there's one thing I'm terrible at doing and that is changing a nappy filled with poo.



A Cheeky Red With Bold Nuances of Ulcer

I sold my soul while working in retail liquor. I also sold a lot of terrifically bad booze. One particular incident involved a pile of horrid cheap wine the manager had got at a bargain basement price, probably from some Russian gangsters. We stacked it at the front of the store and sold it for $2.



Just a Trim and Some Psychotherapy Please.

Trying to be spendthrift is something that comes with being a parent. Spending money on my kids means I can’t buy fancy things for myself. With this in mind, we took our son to get a haircut a few weeks ago. Rather than go to an upscale salon where orange women with monstrous talon-like fingernails



Has Anyone Seen My Xanax?

When you have children there’s a certain horrible pressure on you to be a good father. I'm not saying being a parent is terrifically difficult but there certainly is a fair bit of stress involved in the whole process. I guess it comes down to the fact that you’re continually judged when you have ki



Please Hold the Safety Railing

When it comes to parenting, there are numerous perils a father should be aware of. Answering the dreaded “where do babies come from” question and reading books to your kids when you are terrifically hung-over are two such perils which quickly come to mind.



The Lure of the Ham Steak

I have a secret shame. I sometimes enjoy dining at venues with very little class such as services clubs and the like. Venues chock-a-block full of bad décor, pokie machines and a slow-shuffling zombie-like patronage. Some days I like to take a trip into the tacky mundane and have a hot meal at Twin Towns.



Dinner and a Show

I used to live near a KFC and was a regular customer at this franchise when I had a hangover, which was nearly every Sunday afternoon. After one brutal evening of debauchery, I was in a sorry state of disrepair. While I was crawling to my bed like an infant after vomiting in the shower at 1pm, I kn



The Devil is in the Detail

I had always thought replicating currency was the sole domain of shady, extremely successful gangster types so it came as somewhat of a surprise when I was first exposed to dodgy bills by an old man driving a beat-up Holden Gemini while working in a drive-through bottle shop.



The Mug Never Lies

Everyone likes to be complimented but comedians are ego-junkies, always wanted positive reinforcement. Although I tramped the stages by night, I worked in a large engineering firm by day. I was also the “Office Funny Man.” Whenever a witty comment was needed, I was there.



Give My Regards to the Chef

I travel a lot for work and being alone in a strange town can really get me down in the dumps, especially when I need to find a place to dine. Sure, lying in a mushy bed in a dank motel room while I eat pizza and drink beer in my undies, waiting for “Embarrassing Bodies” to start on television so I



Who Cut the Cheese?

I really admire smokers for their stoic obstinance in the face of adversity. They are fast taking over the title of most persecuted minority group in society. However, the anti-smoking lobby has almost won the hard-fought battle they'v been waging for years.



How is my hair?

I started going bald at an early age. It’s a horrible thing for a young man to go through. I tried to hide my receding hair by wearing a hat a lot of the time. I even once wore a bandanna (it was 1991 so it was kosher). Then I saw a photograph of myself at a party.



Hold the Lemon, Please.

I worked as a bartender for a number of years in my early twenties and, when the hotel I worked for closed down, I applied for a job at The Roxy, a now-defunct venue that used to showcase some fantastic bands. I was excited because I would, hopefully, see some bands that I adored.



Siblings Stick Together. Sometimes.

I did a fair bit of travelling with my sister and my parents when I was young. Some would say this kind of experience would be enlightening to a child but the reality was I spent all that time in the car fighting a vicious and prolonged battle against my older sister.



Dinosaur Favouritism

What’s your favourite dinosaur?

This is a question I am asked on an almost daily basis. You see, I have two sons under the age of six and dinosaurs are pretty much the coolest things ever. I was the same when I was their age. My knowledge of dinosaurs was unparalleled until I discovered girls a



Please Sit Next to Me

No one sits next to me on the bus to work. When I first noticed this happening I was delighted. I mean, who wants some voluminous ham-beast sitting next to you annoying you with their high pitched nose whistle and hungry grunts. I certainly don’t, but after a while I started to question why my seat was always vacant on otherwise packed buses.