Funny stories

I Hate You. Period.

I wrote a song once called "I Hate You, Period"… but everyone thought I was singing the full stop. So I changed it to "I Hate Menses", so now it sounds like I'm saying I hate men but in a really girly kind of way.

When Mum first told me what would happen every month at random times & places til

Jennifer Burke


Festival Problems

My dick... is... the weirdest fuckin' thing you'll ever see on a human body, on it's best day! And I know all dicks look like shit, hanging outta your gunt like a prolapsed belly-button, covered in shaving cuts and stretch marks, whittled to a stub by unwashed hands, fuckin' warts and lesions, twee

Christopher Jordan


Siblings Stick Together. Sometimes.

I did a fair bit of travelling with my sister and my parents when I was young. Some would say this kind of experience would be enlightening to a child but the reality was I spent all that time in the car fighting a vicious and prolonged battle against my older sister.

Andy Thompson


I Am The Sexiest Man Alive (well, almost)

Earlier this year I was nominated as one of the top twenty sexiest men on the Gold Coast. Which is weird considering I'm not very sexy, and I'm definitely not a top of anything. I stood out in the competition. I was the only one wearing a shirt, and I'm the fattest person ever to be nominated for the title.

Chris Begg


Replacing Sex With a Stiff One

I once had a woman tell me that since her divorce she’d replaced sex with booze, which meant she was now getting trashed once a year... on his birthday. But if she’d replaced drinking with sex instead, she’d be a whore.

Hmm, I see.

So basically, being single was good for both your liver & your twat.

Jennifer Burke


Some Science Teachers Just Want to Watch the World Burn.

If there’s one thing I enjoy it’s a flagrant disregard of safety by an authority figure. Nothing made me grin more as a child than seeing my father march down to the incinerator with a load of potentially flammable material and 4 litres of petrol on a Saturday afternoon.

Andy Thompson