Outdoors stories

Festival Problems

My dick... is... the weirdest fuckin' thing you'll ever see on a human body, on it's best day! And I know all dicks look like shit, hanging outta your gunt like a prolapsed belly-button, covered in shaving cuts and stretch marks, whittled to a stub by unwashed hands, fuckin' warts and lesions, twee

Christopher Jordan


Black bears and golden rules

Although my wife and I were excited about being in the beautiful Sequoia National Park, we were a little nervous spending our first night in "bear country".

Dutifully following the required protocol, we stowed all of our scented items in the lockable bins to ensure we wouldn't get "carjacked" overnight.

Luke Simmons


Happy Days

Her bare feet dance across the soft green grass, her body poised gracefully like a dancer mid pirouette. The Frisbee hovers towards her and she reaches out to grab it, one long slender arm reaching for the disc whilst she balances in harmony with gravity.

Jamie J. Buchanan


Charity case walk

It was a charity event at work - our task; scale Ben Nevis. Simple. In many ways it was (for me) not so much for some others though.

Up at 6 am most were bedded around 10, some rebels staying till 12. Me? I think I made it in around 2. This isn't about me being Billy Big Bollocks but I feel it adds some humour as the story unravels.

Liam Fleming


The Leaf Blower: a Symbol of All That's Wrong With Humanity

You’ll never see a woman using a leaf blower. Women have more sense than to lay their hands on the most obnoxious invention mankind ever dreamt up. No, hang on, the leaf blower was clearly invented not by man, but by Satan. In the evening. On the same day he invented meth in the morning and was tripping balls by lunch.

Baz McAlister


Your Screaming is Making Me Nervous.

I haven’t met a person from Finland who wasn't a genuine, fear-inducing psychopath. When I finished school I worked in a remote gold mine in Western Australia’s Pilbara region. There I met a geologist who terrified all the other workers, especially when he was driving.

Andy Thompson