A Cheeky Red With Bold Nuances of Ulcer By Andy Thompson

I sold my soul while working in retail liquor. I also sold a lot of terrifically bad booze. One particular incident involved a pile of horrid cheap wine the manager had got at a bargain basement price, probably from some Russian gangsters. We stacked it at the front of the store and sold it for $2.99 a bottle and still made a handsome profit. It was almost criminal. Especially considering how bad it tasted.

A lady came in one day and was transfixed by the appearance of this stack of wine. I’d done a great job with some tinsel and it almost looked classy. She said to me, “Excuse me, can you tell me something about this wine?”

“It’s $2.99,” I said.

“I see” she replied. “But what’s it like?”

“It’s $2.99,” I repeated.

“Oooh a bargain. Does it have a nice taste?”

“It’s $2.99,” I said again.

“I see” she said, completely oblivious to the fact that I couldn’t describe the taste to her without swearing. “Would you drink it?”

“I would probably use it to clean my driveway” I replied.

“Okay. It certainly is a cheap price isn’t it?

“Yes, ma’am, it certainly is cheaper than most other driveway cleaners. A bargain, in fact.”

“Would it go well with lamb?

“Well, you could use the bottle to bludgeon a lamb to death…so yes!”

“I will buy 4 cartons please”

“Excellent choice!”

A sale was a sale, even if I was selling radioactive coolant.

in Carindale, Queensland, Australia


I tell jokes for cash, manly hugs and free drinks. I’ll tell you which way the water flows for free. Comedian, engineer, writer and husky man-about-town.

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