F%&K your stick figure family By Xavier Toby

If you’ve been nowhere near a road in the last four years, there are these stick figure stickers people attach to their rear windows. In an effort to show how special and different their family is through the use of a two-dimensional, mass-producible, cartoon form.

Apparently stick figures were chosen due to the rapidly growing obesity rates around the world.

If the stickers were actually an accurate representation of the size of most families, it's doubtful one family member would fit on the back of any car.

Last week I ran into a guy I hadn’t seen since high school, and he proudly showed me his brand new ‘people mover’.

So I asked him, ‘If your car is a people mover, what the hell does every other car do?’

I suggested that he should call a ‘people mover’ what it really is. A car for people who don’t properly know how to use contraception.

On the back of his car was a ‘My Family’ sticker.

He informed me that you can now get these stickers for all sorts of families, and relationships, and situations.

So after spending ten minutes summarising his life achievements to that point, this guy asked me, ‘If you had a car, which stickers would you put on the back?’

I told him I had no idea, as I didn’t have a wife, children or any pets.

So he suggested that my personal sticker would just be a picture of me, with a thought bubble with a pretty girl in it, and surrounded by used tissues.

Then he laughed, and drove away.

in Melbourne, Victoria, Australia


Writer and comedian. 'Mining My Own Business' his debut non-fiction comedy book is available now through: People he's not related to even say that it's worth reading. Promise.

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