Scraping The Bottom Of The Bottle By Tom Middlebrook

Returning home drunk one night, I fell over out the front of my house at 2am and smashed through a table and a landed on half a pot glass. I was home alone and came to washing my hands free of blood in the bathroom not sure why my leg felt wet...

Turns out it looked like a shark had bitten me just above my butt. I went looking for my flatmates (who weren't there) turning all the lights on in the house with my blood drooping hand leaving the whole house like a murder scene. Finally my friends called me and picked me up in a cab and took me to the hospital.

20 stitches later it was 7am in the morning and the doctor dosed me up with pain killers to send me on my way. All my clothes were soaked stiff in blood. However, and the hospital had run out of regular contaminated medical bags and could only offer me a green garbage bag to put my clothes and prescriptions in.

The nurse then apologised to me and told me that they could only offer me clothes from the lost and found section... which comprised of a pair of size 42 red track-pants and a XXL bright blue collared shirt. So I had to leave the hospital and find my way back to Collingwood with a bandaged hand and rear end, all my worldly possessions in a green garbage bag dressed in those clothes.

in Melbourne


Born in Africa and raised by wolves (which incidentally don't reside on the continent of Africa). Ended up living all across Australia before winding up attempting to be funny on stage.

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