I'm glad I don't have to date anymore. By Paul McDougall

Dating is hell, time consuming and at times so stressful I felt like getting a cat didn't seem such a ridiculous idea after all.

Thankfully the cat idea passed.

After 7 long years I became single and was launched into the world of dating which as you can tell I didn't particularly enjoy.

I would go out on dates with girls and we would sit across from each other in restaurants with nothing in common, they would be uber-vague and would sit and play on their phones. Much to my annoyance.

If you ever find yourself in this position then I have some tips for you. Basically rather than you leave and get talked about on social media you have to get them to leave, because that's not odd in the slightest.

What I would do is...

Collect all the menus from the restaurant and put them on your head and pretend your a house...or

Collect all the salt and pepper dishes and build a wall on the table and no windows as you don't wanna see them, I normally go about 4 high. If that doesn't work...

Start saying inappropriate things like 'I think Nigel Farage is alright' and if that doesn't work then...

Take your fork and press it against one of your eyes and close the other one and walk right up to them and declare 'You're in jail mate, you're in jail' and if that doesn't work...


in Edinburgh, United Kingdom


Paul McDougall is a Scottish comedian based in Edinburgh and has been on the circuit for over 2 years now. His laidback stories are heard in comedy clubs around the country. Regular Comedian and MC.

See Paul's profile.

Paul's website.


  • Share this on...
  • Twitter

Flag this story

You might like: