Do you have any phones small enough... By Paul McDougall

I used to work in one of those shops you know the type, you walk in with your hopes and dreams and a Playstation and they give you a fiver in return, I think they call them Cash Generator or something like that.

We had all sorts of customers that came in some nice, some just pure and utterly mental.

I had a man come in and ask genuinely for a burger and chips... but no that was not the most crazy person to enter the doors in Leith...

I had what we call locally a 'Jakey'. Someone who asks for bus fare but it's not really for the bus.

He came into the shop around 930 in the morning. I was barely awake and hadn't had my coffee yet which explains why I was stunned when he walked up and said the following...

"Excuse me pal do you have any phones small enough to fit up my arse?"

I paused briefly then stared and him and just yelped out 'WHAAAAT?'

"You see the thing is pal I'm going to jail and I need a phone small enough to fit up my arse"

I could'nt even look at him, I couldn't even talk to him I just walked away because first of that's unhygienic and secondly you'd get a shit signal.

I couldn't get this image out of my head and the worst part about this story is that a week later a little old lady walked in to the shop and said "Excuse me son my boy is in jail and I'm trying to get a DVD player into him"

I did wonder how she was going to fit that in there...

in Leith, United Kingdom


Paul McDougall is a Scottish comedian based in Edinburgh and has been on the circuit for over 2 years now. His laidback stories are heard in comedy clubs around the country. Regular Comedian and MC.

See Paul's profile.

Paul's website.


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