Nine Months of Rehab By Jennifer Burke

So sometimes I'll go to the chemist & pick myself up a pregnancy test just so people think I have a sex life, or maybe the morning after pill... but not at the same time #awkward

I wouldn’t mind having kids though, I love them; I believe they can make you a better person... mostly cuz I think pregnancy’s the only thing that’d stop me from drinking long enough to get my licence back.

You just can’t buy that kind of motivation.

Well you could, but then you’d miss out on the baby bonus; not to mention the baby shower & I’ve always wanted to host one of those... me & free stuff are like peas & carrots.

Rehab on the other hand is just getting sober for 28 days, signing yourself out & then binge drinking for a week to celebrate... Lohan style.

But pregnancy is like hardcore AA & your sponsor’s living in your uterus. Did someone say 24hr support, eating for two & pregnancy jeans? Erm, yes please!

This should be the new anti-drinking campaign:

“You got a drinking problem? Just get knocked up! The only thing standing between you & sobriety, is a one night stand! So get down to your local pub today... your liver will thank you.”

It's also a good investment I think, in 18 years time I'll have a drinking buddy! Plus we'll be living at the same address so we'll save on cab costs. Kids are amazing like that... they practically pay for themselves.

We might even be eligible for theme park family passes & they can hold my stuff while I go on the rides.

Whats that you say? A Father figure? Deh, I’m not an irresponsible twat... I’ll make sure they get to spend time with positive male role models like Colonel Sanders on special occasions, Ronald McDonald every second weekend, & Eagle Boys for the school holidays.

I’m gonna be the best Mum ever!

in Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia


Comic & Triple J RAW Comedy Grand Finalist. Talker @ 4ZZZ. Bachelor of film @ SAE. Writer. Improv. Muso. Danca? Kombuchaholic. Chronic pain fighter. Rep @ Howell Management #TaxTimeIsLava

See Jennifer's profile.

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