Coming Out By Jennifer Burke

Ever since I can remember I’ve been attracted to women, mostly cuz guys just put up less of a struggle... in a pair of thongs, some stubbies, and a singlet with a beer gut they're pretty much asking for it though aren't they ladeeez?!

Chix all the way I say... cuz a strap-on won’t ever need viagra.

But for any Church goers out there it’s ok, I still sleep with guys when I’m really drunk, so relax... I’m as Catholic as you get when I’m on my knees. Praying of course (that I don’t sober up before it’s over).

Coming out to my parents was fun, I went for the ‘make being gay sound comparatively better than something else’ approach, I said “Mum, Dad, I’m a crack whore. I’m also pregnant and the Father’s in jail... totes jokes, I’m actually gay.”

Mum said, “Oh thank God!”, but I think Dad liked me better as a pregnant crack whore. His response was, “What is this... bush week!? Get it Jen?!"

"Not really Dad."

"Tough crowd."

Just kidding, they actually found out the hard way; caught me and a friend in my room one day while we were supposed to be cleaning up. But I think Mum was more upset about the fact that we weren’t cleaning cuz she goes, “C'mon girls… pull your finger out.”

I didn't get that either. #ParentalPuns

Telling my Grandparents was worse though, everyone got sprinkles on their ice-cream that night but me. Frown face. All I got was a single chocolate bullet... with my name on it. I had to explain it to my little sister in Facebook terms when she asked, “What’s a lesbian?” - I said, “It’s a woman, who likes to poke other women… repeatedly.”

Now she thinks everyone on Facebook is gay, which I thought was pretty accurate. But then she called Dad a lesbian but I guess it's half true cuz he does like women... and lesbian porn.

in Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia


Comic & Triple J RAW Comedy Grand Finalist. Talker @ 4ZZZ. Bachelor of film @ SAE. Writer. Improv. Muso. Danca? Kombuchaholic. Chronic pain fighter. Rep @ Howell Management #TaxTimeIsLava

See Jennifer's profile.

Jennifer's website.


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