Celebrity Kids By Jennifer Burke

I've noticed celebrity kids seem to be ageing somewhat faster than the rest of us; one minute they’re a new born on the cover of New Idea... next thing you know they’re celebrating their 9th birthday, creating their own fashion label, & becoming the face of a brand new multi-million dollar tweeny bobber fragrance range called, "Underage" (which in a French accent, almost sounds legal).

Meanwhile, you’re still waiting in the queue at Centrelink & by the time you hand your form in, they’ve been arrested for their first DUI. If only I had that kind of motivation.

I’m so lazy I think the snooze button’s just an extra 5 minutes to decide whether or not I’m chucking a sicky; time’s up… yes I am. Hit the snooze again… just more time to think up an original excuse. Final snooze... time to practice my sick voice & rehearse the story.

Then this happens: "Eh hem, eeeh hem... Oh hi, yeah it’s Jen, uuumm... I’m too sick to come into work tod… Oh hey Kerry, wazzzuuuup!? I’m great how are you!?"

I bet while I’m busy at home watching Dr Phil, scratching my crotch & downing a Tim Tam every time he says the words “I want you to get excited about your life” … Suri Cruise is out getting a mani-pedi with Dr Phil’s wife & planning her next venture with a new TV show called, “It’s not me… it’s definitely you, cuz you’re poor, u idiot.”

Meanwhile the Brangelina's are already having a mid-life crisis & hard at work tweeting their therapists (who charge by the retweet) … “Is it weird that I’m attracted to my parents?” While they’re out doing charity work & tweeting the release of their highly anticipated autobiography from a publishing deal they signed via ultrasound… I’m at home looking for a job on Facebook.

By the time I was sixteen all I’d accomplished was a B cup… and then I deferred, for about 15 years.

in Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia


Comic & Triple J RAW Comedy Grand Finalist. Talker @ 4ZZZ. Bachelor of film @ SAE. Writer. Improv. Muso. Danca? Kombuchaholic. Chronic pain fighter. Rep @ Howell Management #TaxTimeIsLava

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