The Leaf Blower: a Symbol of All That's Wrong With Humanity By Baz McAlister

You’ll never see a woman using a leaf blower. Women have more sense than to lay their hands on the most obnoxious invention mankind ever dreamt up. No, hang on, the leaf blower was clearly invented not by man, but by Satan. In the evening. On the same day he invented meth in the morning and was tripping balls by lunch.

It’s a microcosm of the world’s ills. If you regard dust and debris on your property as a problem too vexatious to bear, then all this hellspawned thing does is relocate that problem. Shunt it sideways, not solve it. It’s an undeniably masculine modus operandi.

It even looks male, the leaf blower - a big, swinging, droopy dick and pendulous ball-sack; a symbolic penis spewing fumes and jizzing hot stinking dusty air all over SomeoneElse’sProblemtown, population: you.

I watched a prick slinging one yesterday: wide-brimmed hat, mask and sunnies to keep out the dust, ear defenders on to block out the dozen-bikers-with-buzzsaws noise he was inflicting on the otherwise still neighbourhood. He strolled at the centre of a billowing tornado of douchebaggery as he blew leaves off his property into his neighbour’s drive. Seconds later, the breeze blew them back. If this chubby Sisyphus was aware of the futility of his actions, he hid it well, this preening cock trumpeting all that's wrong with humanity.

Dude, grow up. Get a rake. Make a compost heap. At least then you’ll be contributing something to society - even if it's just a pile of rotting vegetation.

in Brisbane, Queensland, Australia


Journalist and editor specialising in features, film, the arts and travel. Sometime stand-up comedian. Aspirant screenwriter. Irishman-about-town. Big fan of potatoes and whiskey.

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