Replacing Sex With a Stiff One By Jennifer Burke

I once had a woman tell me that since her divorce she’d replaced sex with booze, which meant she was now getting trashed once a year... on his birthday. But if she’d replaced drinking with sex instead, she’d be a whore.

Hmm, I see.

So basically, being single was good for both your liver & your twat. Duly noted. But then it happened to me. Not the marriage bit (cuz thankfully my OCD prevented an unfortunate balls-up when I countermanded a proposal & suggested getting hitched during a year with a prime number cuz anything else would just be crazy) but the painful breakup bit, after almost 4 years of an incredibly tumultuous relationship.

And by tumultuous, I mean she had Bipolar; & by incredibly, I mean at one point she tried to kick me down the stairs cuz I’d smoked a cigarette. In retrospect though she may have just been trying to save my life... when’s the last time you saw a quadriplegic light up a smoke? Am I Right! Am I right! #glasshalffullfail

Years later, after she'd politely called from another town to inform me she wasn't returning, I took to the bottle like a Jehovah's Witness with a pamphlet & just didn't know when to quit... until my kidneys failed that is. Surprisingly tho, it wasn't the grog... they just didn't study. Hashtag hardyharhar... harhar.

So I've now been single for 9 long character building years & have seen less action than Barbie & GI Joe combined... so I guess you could say my vagina's failed as well. Go home body... you're drunk.

So in conclusion, the only thing that's good for both your liver & your twat... is the Je Joue Fifi Rechargeable Rabbit Vibrator 3000.

The End.


in Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia

 1,212

What Jennifer looks like.

Comedian & JJJ RAW Comedy Grand Finalist. Talker @ 4ZZZ. Writa. Danca. Unprofessional Singer/Songwriter. Kombucha lover. Friends call me Jenooii #ForrestGump

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