Don’t stick things into electrical sockets. Let sleeping dogs lie. Never anger pregnant women. These are 3 lessons I adhere to in life. Not observing one of them will result in a serious facial injury and a painful death. Dogs and electricity are also dangerous. When my wife was pregnant we had a Craving Incident. One afternoon she suggested we find a bakery somewhere so she could indulge in a vanilla slice. When I laughed and said there wasn’t a bakery nearby she indicated that finding a nearby bakery would be in my best interests and Bad Things would happen if a vanilla slice didn’t appear in her hands. Right. Off to the bakery we go. We arrived at a small shop staffed by a pudgy boy who looked like he had sampled every third sausage roll. I spied a vanilla slice and asked him for it as my wife waited patiently.
One vanilla slice, mate.
That isn’t a vanilla slice. That’s a Neapolitan slice.
Okay. I’ll take it.
But it isn’t a vanilla slice. I mean, it’s kinda like a vanilla slice but it isn’t. You know?
Oh yes. I understand. I simply don’t care. I will take it.
But it isn’t a vanilla slice! It’s different.
Look mate, don’t try and talk me out of this sale. Take my money.
I don’t think you’ll like it.
At this point I assumed the kid wanted it for his mid-afternoon snack but before I could haggle any further my wife approached the counter and said, ever so sweetly…
Just put the fucking slice in a bag and no one gets hurt, okay?