Beware of the Bright Green Screeching Snipers By Andy Thompson

Australia has more than its fair share of deadly critters. We have poisonous snakes and spiders, man-eating crocodiles and even a cute little monotreme that will give you a nasty jab if you accidentally grab it. Why is it that our birds are absolute clowns? They're like the drunken hooligans of the animal kingdom. From whirling galahs to belligerent cockatoos, Australia is filled with yammering birds who like nothing better than to squabble like boozed miners on a rostered day off while they strip a tree of its vegetation.

Avian hilarity aside, I once witnessed a horrific attack on a human by a rainbow lorikeet. I was at school waiting to be let into our room after lunch. Flocks of these brilliantly coloured birds frequented the area so it wasn't uncommon to see them hurtling through the buildings like little bright green bottle-rockets. While chatting to my good mate Daniel, a flock raced through the under-covered area.

SCREECH! THWIPTHWIPTHWIP! SCREEEECH! THWIPTHWIP! THWACK!

Daniel fell to the ground like he'd been shot in the head. Which he had. However, given the feathery detritus scattered next to him, the projectile wasn't a bullet but a now deceased rainbow lorikeet. He was knocked out cold and it took a few minutes before he was able to be roused awake. As he was carried off to sick bay he said in a puzzled voice, "Did…did a fucking parrot just hit me?"

"Yeah man. A fucking parrot."

"I thought those guys were harmless"

Tourists, you've been warned.


in Mackay, Queensland, Australia

 1,096

What Andy looks like.

I tell jokes for cash, manly hugs and free drinks. I’ll tell you which way the water flows for free. Comedian, engineer, writer and husky man-about-town.

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