Death stories

Ode to the Australian Huntsman spider

"Huntsman spiders, members of the family Sparassidae, are known by this name because of their speed and mode of hunting. They are total assholes."

  • Wikipedia

Growing up in Australia, they're unfortunately a part of life. One moment you're feeling around for the light switch in the da

Luke Simmons


The Day Scotland Sucked

That... was... hilarious! Oh you shat the bed, didn't ye? Yes, you! 'People'! (insert diarrhea noise)

That's right! You spilled beer on the DJ's decks and killed the party, broke the cats leg, and now your sensible boyfriend is furious 'cause all his mates think he's a twat by proxy.

Christopher Jordan


Aborting the Old

I seen one of those 'meme's' the other day, of an 87 year old woman with a big, smug smile holding a sign that said 'Say no to assisted suicide'. Someone's decrepit old Nana pushing the 'life is precious' rhetoric.

I thought: Oh yeah?! You get back to me when you're 97 granny, when you're lying

Christopher Jordan


Blood (explicit content)

I bleed a lot. It's weird, but no matter what I'm doing,, brushing my teeth, wiping my ass, shaving, shagging, shopping, sneezing, sleeping, vomiting, ...I always end up bleeding from one hole or another.

My guts suck! And I always had this nagging feeling I'm dying of some unknown t

Christopher Jordan



I arrive back in Ohio on a bleak, chilly February afternoon. My brother greets me with a hug and a joint, and we chat about my flight and gossip during the 45 minute ride to my parent’s house. My anxiety rises.

“He’s not as bad as he sounds on the phone?” I ask.

Betty H



Note I know my content is mostly satirical but I felt a need to share this story. its been about three months since David Bowie died and I know it may seem a little late to be writing about this but what the hell

David Bowie's music had helped me through a lot in the past.

Ronan Hughes